Monday, March 12, 2007

The Further Adventures of Homeless Man

Once upon a time there was a man in an Ivory Tower. The tower was so high; no one could reach it. He fortified his tower with a million pens… A pen is a gun you know that. He bought thousands upon thousands of pieces of paper upon which he could write, and he covered each and every piece of paper with his writing.
He wrote for the left, he wrote for the right. He wrote for the North and South. He wrote for the East and West. And there is nothing he didn’t write about.
He wrote to the King who was very busy. He wrote to the Queen, who was also very busy. He wrote to the Prince and Princess, but, alas, they were very busy as well. He wrote to everyone in the realm, but again, they were too busy.
He didn’t know what to do. He wanted to make them laugh, but nobody was listening. He wanted to get paid for the writing he created so he could be protected from the cruel world and stay in his ivory tower.
One day, he had no more money and the big bad landlord took away his ivory tower and everything he had. He took away everything he wrote too. The wicked landlord tried to steal all the writing, but before he could steal it, someone else threw it away… He worked all his life and had nothing to show for it, nothing to call his own. He had nothing, period. He didn’t know what to do, and he had no place to live. The ivory tower was the only home he ever knew. He was homeless.
He tried to tell the people who he was and what had happened to him, but everyone thought he was crazy. No one would listen, and when you’re poor, no one does. They think only people who have money have something to say. He was mightily discouraged. “Why doesn’t anyone listen to me?” He asked himself, “It seems no one cares… It was hard to believe that no one cared… But that was the truth, no one does.” When he was living in his ivory tower, he thought that people might care, but his worst fears were confirmed. He was right. People didn’t care. It was hard to believe, but it was true. People only care about themselves, nobody else. That’s honesty he thought.
So he decided to find other truths about life that other people could understand. How hard could it be? It was very hard. The homeless man was by himself, and he found another truth about life he already knew… That everybody was alone too. The people still wouldn’t listen, but he felt better about it because he remembered that no one cared… That gave him peace of mind.


Action must take place. After years of languishing in his private hell of cowardice, He stood up and said, “Where am I, where do I fit? Put two feet on the ground he said, and to walk forward, a glance backward every so often; but going forward regardless of thought, he will find his goal. And what is his goal? 

Happy Saint Patrick's Day

THE IRISH”
I love the Irish… Don’t you?
They never know what time it is…
They make the worst politicians…
They always fight for the wrong side…
They never know what they are doing…
They make the worst cops…
(They have no conception of honesty…)
They are always drunk…
They can not sing…
They can not dance…
They can not write…
They have no sense of humor…
They are loud…
They serve no useful purpose at all…
They won’t serve you in a pub…
(If they know you…)

The Comedian


For the last 700 years, I have imbued myself in comedy, and what comedy means to me… how it portrayed, and how it can conveyed… On a conveyer belt in a BIG FACTORY, with BIG BLACK MEN with BIG STRONG HANDS, BIG SINEWY HANDS – hands that are greasy, oily and moist… hands that make endless pieces of ENDLESS final products… I AM THAT FACTORY, and THAT is what comedy means to me!

The Very Slow

There are four races in the world… Only four:

The Slow, The Very Slow, The Extremely Slow, and The Immensely Slow.
And it follows that:

The Slow rule The Extremely Slow,
And The Very Slow, The Immensely Slow.
Or is it…

The Slow rule The Immensely Slow,
And The Very Slow, The Extremely Slow.
Or is it…

The Immensely Slow rules The Slow,
And The Extremely Slow, The Very Slow.
Or is it…

The Immensely Slow rule The Very Slow,
And The Extremely Slow, The Slow.
Or is it…

The Immensely Slow rule The Extremely Slow,
And The Very Slow, The Slow.
Or is it…

The Extremely Slow rule The Immensely Slow,
And The Slow, The Very Slow.

(Or is it the other way around)

Sunday, March 11, 2007

How To Meet A Nice Girl

You haven’t had IN A MONTH! Sometimes... longer than that... I don’t know about you girls... But I, us MEN, get very, very QUIET! And you do and say things that you normally wouldn’t do.


So you go to a bar... or a place of worship... you’re about to explode when you see her. She’s absolutely gorgeous. You have only one thing, ONE THING on your mind... Better not fuck it up... So you tap her on the shoulder, MISTAKE #1, and say: “I’M LOOKING FOR SOME MEAT!” That USUALLY doesn’t work... So you try again... You say, “I love your MOUTH, and what it can do... But I can’t decide... “WHICH ONE I’LL CHOOSE!” Or you can say, “Your hips CAN FEED AN ARMY!” Or you can say, “You better firm up your ass... YOU’RE GOING TO USE IT!” Or you can always say, NEXT! And you can say, "I love those legs and do you know what I would do with those legs... Put them on a table, salt them and eat them"

So you try a different tack, (French accent), “I have scars and sores on my body... DO YOU WANT TO SEE THEM?”

NOW, you have her attention, so you whisper in her ear, so gently, so sweetly, “I know how to find your G-SPOT... with
DRY ICE AND RAZOR BLADES AND POP ROCKS!”

And with THAT, you break the ice!

My Drivel - Your Alpha Male



I gaze upon you,
Pretending to be interested in something else.
I sit...
Your very presence
Enough.
You get mad thinking
I’m looking over
Your shoulder.
You have taught me how...
For awhile all my attentions were something
I had to show for myself...
But it became something different
It became real
And something I didn’t expect to happen.
Now I am lost...
Lost in a sea...
And I have to stand like a lighthouse
Turning my head in every direction...
My legs must not waiver,
I must see.



But now, I must rest...
Rest in the furls that you call
Your cunt.
And your bulbous protrusions...
Your tits and your buttocks...
Fill me with great promise.
I hope you have a clean rectum...
I might want to use it
Someday...
And your limbs...
Your pulsating thighs...
Well me with great anticipation...
I must squirt myself dry...
For you

Only when you tell me
You love me...

Then and only then...

A Very Sad Clown

Excuse, excuse, I didn’t want to break your train of thought or interrupt your feelings… But I felt a need… A pain in my heart that I would tell you what I am going to tell you…

It is an Old Italian Story; forgive me to tell it because it is true…

It is a story of a SAD CLOWN. He could be happy clown, but he is sad because he cannot express himself the way he wants to. He has tried and tried and tried, and no matter he does, he cannot show himself for what he is – for what he REALLY is!
His name, forgive me, his name is CONDOMO.

Poor Condomo, poor Condomo… He feels controlled, constricted, and constrained - trapped in a man’s body with no place to go!
He meet his friends… LARGO, SKITRZO, INTEMMEZZO AND OVARIO… But when he meet Largo, Skirtzo and Ovario, He always meet INTERMEZZO! And he retreats in his shell; he is a very, very, sad, sad, clown.

He has been accused of being cold, insensitive, unfeeling, that’s not what he feel inside, no, he does not have a psychological problem, in fact he feel like VESUVIUS, MT. ETNA, POMPIE AND KRACOTOA – He want to ERUPT! But he is a prisoner and he is the prison – stuck in his position covered with a skin he cannot move.

I cannot find a costume for him in polite society – I do not have to describe him, we all know him.

But the sad part about Condomo, he has brothers… And his brothers is a happy happy clown. Their name is FOAMO and inserto. And when he meet Largo, Skirtzo and Ovario, but they never meet Intermezzo. But, they have LARDO, LARDO.
As much as Condomo is sad, Foamo and Inserto is happy.

“Do you want to be? CONDOMO?”

Faking It


Don’t misunderstand me… I love to please women… And it gratifies me to make her THOROUGHLY SATISFIED… But it makes miserable if she PRETENDS to be satisfied… you know, FAKING AN ORGASM…

You girls know what I’m talking about… To please somebody, to keep harmony in a relationship…

The women libbers are big on that topic, they assume ALL MEN are selfish and out for they own pleasure…

But I would like to put the shoe on the other foot… Put them in the MALE POSITION… faking an EJACULATION…

That’s hard for most men, but as I said, my pleasure is pleasing a woman, and sometimes it can be exhausting… Take the other day… She had a TWENTY-FOUR HOUR ORGASM… NON-STOP…

Faked the whole thing… Slept 3 days after that one… But I just hope that SHE wasn’t faking it…

Ode To The Morning Mist

I missed my bed...
I missed my shower, and shave...
I missed my alarm clock...

I missed my SPERMOLOGIST...

My SEETHING, SCREECHING, SCRATCHING, SOAKING, SCREAMING,
SOARING, SPRAWLING,

STARING...

SOLID AS CEMENT...
GLUEY,
SPERMOPHILE,
SUCCULANT,

WOMAN...

But I didn’t miss THE AFTERNOON..

The Sixth Sense

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

My Confession

To the women of the world...
My own honesty defeats me.
I am an honest man.

I would have to love someone first...
Then...
That’s what’s really important,
And everything is secondary.

That’s what you live for...
For the love of someone you love.
Then...
That’s what’s really important,
And everything else is secondary.

This is my confession, my visit...
Loving someone is truly important,
Then...
And everything else is secondary.

So to the women of the world,
See what I have,
And see what I have not.

I have only one wish...
To give Her Her Last Kiss

My Big Mouth

All I can offer you is my heart, my mind, and my tongue...
In any order you so choose.